Last night, I wanted so bad to hurt someone, something. Punch a hole in the wall. Rip my pillow in half. Throw everything at the wall. But I couldn’t. Damn that sentimentality.
I have been working all week due to a deadline for my translation job and in doing so, all my homework fell behind. I failed a midterm and a quiz, all due to working ten hours a day. This job sucks. Then, just as I was about to finally begin my homework, mom calls my name, needing me to complete some tasks of her. Proofread emails, find some books, look up something online.
Last night, I finally got close. I’ve been up since 6 AM, attended school from 7:30 to 11:45, then took a quiz and had a group meeting. I didn’t have lunch until I got home at around 3 PM. I took an hour for lunch before beginning to tackle my work. By 7 PM, I had done 40 of the 50 articles, I had 10 more to go. So I decided to watch an hour TV because unlike robots, humans need breaks.
Mom disagrees. For some reason, nowadays, she seems to think I have an easy life and therefore, I should work ’round the clock. Oh yeah, try being me for a day. By 7:30, minutes after dinner, she was nagging me to go back to work. She claimed it’ll take me to midnight to finish it. It’s not true, I finished it in 2 hours. I told her I’ll manage.
She was dissatisfied, claiming I watched more than an hour of TV; she likes to round up the time: 6:45 = almost 8. The TV show was within 60 seconds from over and she couldn’t even let me have that 60 seconds that she had to pick up my shoe and throw it at me. It was the second time she threw something at me this week. On Sunday, she threw my textbook at me. My back still hurt from that. The shoe landed on my right ribs, thank god the shoe was rubber.
She had unleashed a monster. I picked up the shoe and aimed it at her. “You hurt me,” I snarled and threw. I missed, picked up the shoe, and stormed upstairs to my room. I couldn’t breathe. It was like being choked. She started screaming and going on about how I’m lazy, stupid, and all the insult she could throw at me. I clenched my fists as I tried to work. I couldn’t concentrate let alone think. At last, I screamed, “Shut up!” and slammed and locked the door. “Shut the f*** UP!”
She tried to come in but couldn’t. “Apologize!” She shouted from the other side.
“No!” I bellowed, “I don’t have anything to apologize for!”
“You have lots to apologize for!” Oh, she’s going to drag up that again, eh? It’s been a month. How long will she hold me accountable for that, huh? “You have to apologize for not working.” What? I can’t take a break after a long day?
“No!” I shouted.
“Apologize!” She screamed again. I’m not a machine that just work non-stop, okay? I feel exhausted and just want to relax for a little while. Of course, I couldn’t say that. She wouldn’t believe it in her state of mind. “Fine!” She said, “You can no longer drive my car. You will take the bus. I will call the insurance and take out your name. You cannot go to my account to take out money or I’ll called the cops.”
Oh, is that the game you want to play now? Dangle your assets over my head? Fine, I don’t need the car or any of your money. I’ve been spending my own money for months. In fact, you might as well kick me out.
She threatened to kick me out on Sunday but I was so damn stubborn I wouldn’t move and mostly I didn’t have any money then. I still don’t have money now. None of my income will come through until next month but I have to make a move.
After she slammed her own door, streams of tears fell from my eyes as I cried much harder than Sunday. I haven’t cried in a long time. I was used to this emotionally abusive behavior that a steel wall had formed around my heart. Even deep breaths couldn’t help me control my tears.
At last, it stopped and my mind began racing as I figured out my next move. I have to get out of here. I can’t take this. This is the final straw. She’s trying to make my year hell. I won’t let her. No car is either temporarily or permanent. Either way, I need a car and a cheap place to live. My thoughts immediately went to a coupon in my backpack. It was for an apartment across from the school. With two salaries, I can afford it.
Now, the problem is: how will I move without a car and without her noticing?
This is Another Story 
Oh dear that sounds a problem. Can you flat share?
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Yes but still, I have see this weekend. Hopefully something changes. Otherwise, I’m leaving on Monday.
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Hopefully you can patch things up with your mom.
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I don’t think that’ll be possible because I refuse to get down on my knees and beg for forgiveness when I’ve done nothing wrong. I think it’s too late.
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Very unfortunate… My sympathies… Hope your mom understands. Take care, hope everything turns out well!
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I think that’s the problem. She doesn’t understands and never tried to understand but still, I do hope everything will be okay.
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Wow! I can’t even begin to imagine the hell you’re going through. The demands she’s putting on you is a bit inconsiderate, if that’s not too bold for me to say. I think the best solution for the two of you is if she just found an outside employee to do all that work full time. Judging from previous posts that I’ve read, your relationship with your mother is strained enough, but all this pressure just might ruin it. I hope you and your mom will find a way to work things out, but please save your money so you can move out soon without any hesitation. Separation might do you two some good. I would focus on finding a cheap apartment first. Depending on where you live, it’s pretty easy to get around without a car. Good luck! 🙂
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I don’t think there is a way to work things out, not unless my mom agrees to go to relationship counseling. She seems to think there’s something wrong with me to cause me to be so irritable but she never wondered that if it’s her that making me this way. I think the best way now is some separation and of course, I’ll try to save what I can but without a car, it’ll be difficult since everything is so far away.
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Well, you know what they say, “Absence makes the heart grown fonder.” With you gone, maybe she’ll realize her mistake and try to go to counseling… Though, I don’t know her like you do, so maybe not. But I wish you the best, and maybe with your freedom you’ll finally be able to breathe. I have full confidence you’ll figure something out, though!
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Haha, I don’t think she’s going to therapy anytime soon. To her, therapy is a big joke but maybe she’ll grow bored of not having anyone to yell at and ponder upon herself. Who knows.
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Who knows, that just might happen! Lol
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You are a strong lady think well before you make any decision. What’s done is done and cannot be undone.
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Unfortunately, she’s not the kind of person to forgive and forget about the past so easily.
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Seems like you are working very hard, maybe your mom doesn’t realize just how much you have to do and that you need a break sometimes. Maybe you can explain to her how exhausted you were? Or did you try that already?
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I told her that a lot but she doesn’t believe I’m exhausted because I don’t suffer from insomnia.
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Ah 😦
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Moving out sounds like an eminently sensible idea to me, if you can afford it. I think it would be good for both you and your mom. Do you have a friend with a vehicle who could help with the move? They could provide moral support, too. Best of luck!
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I think I can afford moving out. I’ve found a place across the school and I have a friend with a car. I’ve arranged to go see it on Monday. Crossing fingers.
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It’s been a long time coming, from what you’ve said over the past posts. Unfortunate, but for your own well-being you’re doing the right thing, to move out. You’re smart and resourceful, so I know you can take this step. Things have escalated so much lately, that it’s time to make the break. Stay strong, don’t waver from following your best interests. Sending you much love and support as you go through the next little while, Yinglan. ❤
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Although it does feel good and the right thing to do, it’s a pain to feel like I have to start from scratch, to find shelter and car. I feel fortunate and grateful for the enormous support the few friends I have in life and blogging world has given me. My boss is already out searching for an affordable car for me! 🙂 And I’m going to check out an apartment on Monday. Wish me luck.
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Some moms are supportive, others nag their children without any reason at all. I guess you really have to seriously think your next move…
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I’m already thinking of it, trying to make the most with my current cash.
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I’m sorry to hear you are having to go through this, again. I hope things will work out for you to move out and get your own vehicle. You don’t need that emotional battering anymore. I will keep my fingers crossed for you that it all works out.
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I hope thing will work out too. Thank you.
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When emotions are high, we al tend to act impulsively and our limbic system takes over. We can be irrational, fume with anger and say terrible things we would not otherwise say. If moving out is the answer, why should you keep this information from your Mum? I left home many years ago in the same circumstances as you. But I told my parents I was going. If I didn’t they would have called the cops and reported me as missing person. Telling your Mum you ate leaving will probably make your Mum angry again so it might be wise to have a supportive friend with you when you tell her. When I told my my mother I was leaving she took all my possessions out of my room including birthday presents I was given, in a futile attempt to make me stay…. so perhaps be prepared for a negative reaction like this from her, but know that if you feel you need to leave jome die to dafety concerns, then stick with that, perhaps leaving the door open for some knd of potential reconciliation at a later date. Time away from family can change people. Your mother is engaged in a power struggle to control you. But you are a person in your own right and must decide what is best for yourself. Good luck
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I’m keeping this information from her because we’re in the midst of silent treatment and I’m refusing to lose. I’ll tell her when the plan is set solid as in when the lease is signed and completed. I don’t think she’ll be angry about me moving out though and I certainly don’t think she’ll report me as missing persons. I think she’ll scoff and laugh because she doesn’t think I can handle it. I think at the moment, it’s more like due to lack of transportation than safety.
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Ufff, dear god, first of all, this is horrible to read, second of all, it is so well written! Reading this, I felt as if I was in te room with you. (That´s why it feels awful to read it!)
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I’m sorry for the experience. I felt very guilty when I wrote it and posted it but at the same time, I felt a ton lighter.
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Nooo, it´s great that you write it! It´s good to share this (even with virtual people), writing makes you feel a ton lighter! You don´t need to feel guilty, it´s your blog anyway!
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Still though, I feel a little bad for inserting a sad post when the others are happy and adventurous.
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I hope you will be happy and adventurous soon so that you feel better 😉 But still, it is very well written. I wanted to say, it triggers emotions! That is a good thing.
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I sure hope so too. 🙂 Thank you for reading.
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