Today has been one of those days. I’m not sure if it’s the Monday vibe or the gloomy weather but for the duration of the day, my emotions had been seesawing between anxiety and irritation. I kept feeling a sense of urgency like I have to be home right this moment and there was always a slow driver in front of me who made me want to scream at them. I feel tense. I can’t relax. I feel like I have a million things to do and I must do them now. I can’t even smile. Maybe it’s just anxiety.
Sometimes, I feel like my world is slowly coming apart and I’m afraid. I have no work, living on borrowed money, and my health problems are demanding money. I don’t want to face any problems at the moment. I just wish for a moment alone. Maybe I should just focus on the meager work I have this month.
I have a nuclear stress test this Friday, it’s a test for the heart. I’ve been having some chest pains and difficulty breathing and my doctor thought it would be good to test my heart on a treadmill. Who knows what results that’ll bring.
I had five doctor appointments last month with three different doctors. That’s got to be a record for me and my appointments are lined up through next month. I’m dealing with so many health problems that by the end of next month, I will have a total of five doctors – three will be dealing with my lupus and two will be dealing with my endocrine system.
The doctors are still unsure about my lupus even after the biopsies and all the blood work. All these doctor appointments and their unsure diagnosis are making me anxious. What if I have something big and they’re not seeing it?
At home, my aunt’s sunshiny attitude is driving me to the brink of insanity. Of course, she doesn’t believe in GAD or other mental illnesses, neither does my mom, and it’s so irritated and frustrated that I can’t talk to them about it. I tried and they laughed in my face. They don’t believe I have lupus either. My aunt thinks it’s some kind of allergic reaction to my vegan protein shakes while my mom thinks it’s caused by the lack of exercise during the summer. Didn’t she see me in the summer? I could barely get up in the morning. I was buried in the land of fatigue.
I have been attending church every Sunday. The picture was from after church. I had been praying and hoping that the rash on my face will have faded by the time I go to China in less than three months and I will no longer feel so tired.