It’s March and look, ding dong, the witch is dead. After a week of worrying and nightmares, I finally had a night of restful sleep. I didn’t have a single nightmare last night which surprised me. My year so far has been an emotionally roller-coaster.
First, I want to let the readers who have been concerned with my recent mental health that for now, I’m staying put. I went to see the student housing on Monday and I loved it but the more I ran the scenarios in my head, the more afraid I got, especially after yesterday afternoon. I found out I have to compete for translation work with my mom, how scary is that? I’d lose because I’m at a disadvantage. I have school and another job and what if I can’t make enough that month and can’t pay my rent? My car? Insurance? Utility? What about when I have to pay my self-employed taxes? Student loans? Tuition?
Like I said, the more I thought about it, the more sleep I lost. Then it happened.
Last night, my mom came home and began talking to me again. I was angry because she acted like February didn’t exist. Like everything’s been wiped from her memory. She acted like she did back in January. That just makes me tick. What’s next? She’ll repeat her February behavior in April? Geez! She was even making cookies last night! COOKIES!!!
So I decided to tread unknown territory and asked whether I should ask our neighbor to help her get a deal on the internet since I was supposed to move out next Wednesday, the 9th. She said no, that she’ll pay me for 10 months worth of internet. That’s $550.64.
“Where are you moving to?” She asked, in a regular voice.
“Across the street from the school,” I answered and told her how wonderful it was. “It’s 950 sq. ft, three bedroom, two baths, new kitchen and all I pay for is the bedroom which is $429 per month plus internet, which is about a $60 deal.” She began asking me all these questions and tried to “persuade” me to stay. “I don’t have a car though,” I told her. She took away the car last Thursday and said if I touch it, she’d call the cops. Since then, I’ve been depending on my friend to drive me to school. “I need to be close to school. I don’t want to count on anybody.”
“Then you’ll be good, stay, and I’ll give the car back.” Are you f****** kidding me?! I swear, she’s bipolar. Who has mood swings like that? Just two days ago, she was threatening to change the locks and selling the car. Unbelievable!
“I’ll have to think about it.” I said and at that moment, I couldn’t have felt more conflicted. My gut was telling me to stay while my heart was telling me to leave. Which should I trust?
“Fine,” she said, “I’ll let you ‘borrow’ the car for these two days, until you make a decision. If you leave, you can’t take the car with you.” Fine, I thought, I’ve already got pre-approved on a low-interest auto loan due to my excellent credit and my boss is looking for a car for me but then, other thoughts just had to creep into my head and made me feel conflicted even more. But you know what the worst part was? She blames me for being emotionally unstable. What? Have you assessed yourself lately? You’ve made my life a living hell this past month and you think it’s my fault?
I had a therapy session this morning, I told my therapist about February and we weighed the options of staying and moving out. Both had an equal number of pros and cons but in the end, I chose to stay because in my mind, being emotionally abused is better than having the potential possibility of being homeless. I don’t handle these type of situations very well. At least I’ll have a little financial support here rather than none if I moved out.
I’m not sure if I made the best decision but I think it’s the best based on my current financial situation or perhaps I’m just chicken.