State of Mind


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My current state of mind is a mixture of sadness and hopefulness in addition to anger and maybe a little volatile. To be honest, I’m all cried out. On Thursday, after I found out I no longer have any transportation, I cried most of the night. Every time that thought popped into my mind, tears fell out of my eyes and then, instead of sleeping, I spent most of the morning hours contemplating my future plans and what I’m going to do for the final week of school before Spring Break. I think I’ve had it figured out.

On Friday morning, I cried again, this time, it was just the thought that she’s angry but on the other hand, I’m starting to think she’s crazy. Moreover, I refuse to stoop down so low as to get on my knees and beg for forgiveness when I’ve done nothing wrong. I mean, is it really so wrong for me to have another break after being at school and work all day?

At noon, I contacted the apartment across the road from the school and arranged a meeting on Monday. That afternoon, I went to work, worked until almost 8 PM and not once, did she text me to come home for dinner and it was then I realized she was giving me the “silent treatment”. Fine, you want to play this game? I’m in. I will not be broken that easily.

I told my boss and co-worker about my dilemma and immediately, they began to help me, searching for a used, affordable, and dependable car for me. I’m feel so grateful for having a group of such supportive people. Not only that, my tablet’s fixed! This means I’m back on Instagram!

On Saturday, once again, it was silent treatment. Neither of us spoke a word to each other. As I sat in my room in the morning, I was listening to her conversation with my relative. I didn’t mean to but she just talked so damn loud. She was telling them how stupid and what a moron I was for messing up instructions. IT’S NOT MY FAULT!!! I couldn’t take it anymore. I got up and shut the door. Then an hour later, she went out mysteriously and left me to myself for the entire day.

I went out to my work in the afternoon again after encountering another problem with my tablet. It’s not charging. It scared the hell out of me. It turned out to be a loose connection. Whew. When I got home and checked the mail, I found there was only one piece of mail in the mailbox and it was the news I’ve been dreaded. She had removed my name on the auto insurance. She was serious this time. Well, if she’s serious, then I’ll be serious about moving out.

Anyway, I think I’ve got my future sorted in a systematic manner. My boss is out hunting a cheap and dependable car for me while hopefully, I’ll be moving out pretty soon, maybe within the next week or maybe during Spring Break. Presently, no one knows of my plan except for my loyal readers of this blog and I probably won’t tell her until the plan is set solid. That is why my mind is so mixed up at the moment, staying at home makes me feel sad and angry yet I’m filled with this optimism that I’ll be soon stepping out of the dark tunnel and into the sun.

Daily Post Weekly Challenge – State of Mind

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19 thoughts on “State of Mind

  1. May God be with you! I think your mom will come around after a while, till then, just go with the flow. And it will be great if you try not to carry anger around. I think things will straighten out after a while… Give time some time!

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  2. You are a very strong person. Please keep looking up and remember you have friends out here who care. Keep believing in yourself and try not to be discouraged. Make the best of what happens and you will be a better person because of it.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Keep going forward with your plans, and don’t let anything or anyone distract you from making this move. There will be some fall out, but in the end, I believe everything will eventually find a balance. Sending positive thoughts for your meeting with the apartment people tomorrow! 🙂 xo

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I know you can do this… you are such a strong person. Look what you’ve already endured for so long! After everything you’ve gone through, this will be probably be easier than you think. Just hang in there and try to stay positive. You’ve got this girl! 😉

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  6. I personally think that you are going in a positive direction. I truly am hoping that it all works out for you. I’m sure your mother will eventually come around, Yinglan, but it is time for this parent/child relationship to become adult/adult relationship for your mental health. I look forward to all the positive steps you take in a new and healthy direction!

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  7. Taking this step can be a little scary and exciting at the same time. My granddaughter just took the plunge and left home. She is traveling cross-country to a new life in New Mexico with no family or friends for thousands of mile except for one college friend she will be meeting up with. It sounds like you have a good support system at work which will be so helpful when taking those first steps. Mom’s come around with time. She may be trying to keep you home with her but one needs to spread their wings and fly. Its your turn and I am sure you will do amazing things with your life. Looking forward to reading of you progress. One day at a time and keep your head up and arms open. Sending hugs. Love and Light!

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    • I didn’t move out, by the way. Luck changed and so did my mom’s behavior. It was so odd. I’m still trying to figure her out almost 6 months later. I told her my plan a week before I was supposed to move out and she ended up making up plans for me to stay and complete my degree. It’s been good since then. I did contemplate whether I had made the right choice and I did because otherwise, I’d be in deep financial trouble, deeper than my situation now. So I’m glad I chose to stay despite having to constantly dealing with my mom’s strange temper. Thank you for reading. 🙂

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